AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
