All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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