too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
