Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
