those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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