I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
