It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
