Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
