He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
