I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
