Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Someone shattered a urinal.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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