so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
