If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
