Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
