a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
