I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
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He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
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I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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