She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
