ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
