Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
