Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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