I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
well you can't waste a boner
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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