The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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