just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
