My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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