Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
