I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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