Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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