Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
