Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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