We won't sleep together?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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