I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
