I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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