just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
