I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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