I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
