When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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