So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
