stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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