My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
