There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
