Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
