nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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