Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
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Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
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What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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