i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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