party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
