Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
