its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
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