saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
