Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
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Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
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I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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