Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Randomize
