i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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