New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
