Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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