Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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