No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
