So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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