In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
