My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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