just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
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I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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