How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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