Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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