clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
