WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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