So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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