i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
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