shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
My life is pants optional.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
