bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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