btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦‍♀️
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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